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October 17th, 2008

05:32 pm - dots dots dots


Can't stand this cage cos there's no place to fly to. My future's been cancelled, my past's just a lie. You say, "Do it alone", and I'm trying like hell to rise up from the ashes, be somebody else. I shout my rage from the rooftops, burn down this shell, but you smile from the gallery, ringing a bell.  And I jump, and I've jumped but the bars are still there.  I know deep inside me you don't really care.  You say, "Sleep baby. Sleep. It's all just a dream."

Pain Bubbles

Watched the boulder on the mountain bounce onto her head.  I felt I should have warned her, but the first rule's "Nothing said..." So nothing's done...she smashed into little pieces, and me?  I simply fled... When she puts herself together, I will hover overhead, crying "Ahhh..."
The bigger the catastrophe, the more I hang around to feed on victims lying under me.  I"ll make that special sound that makes them laugh themselves to pieces, gets them rolling on the ground, gets them screaming (yes, screaming)  "Ahhhh..."
As you slide into the first dimension I pencil in the lines.  No matter how grand your intentions, your destiny is all mine.  I'm not giving you the answer, I'm just leaving you the time to find out what it's like to be here crying all the the time. All the ti....... "Ahhh...."

- Edward Ka-spel, Legendary Pink Dots

Current Mood: melancholymelancholy

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October 16th, 2008

12:44 pm - Edward, You Scare Me...
Love Puppets

You offered me a cigarette, I pirouette... with silhouettes of statuettes. We're ice behind a window. Would you be my widow? Would you even be my wife? Life's not long enough for questions of sessions over cakes and coffees. Therapy, I've had enough of - I want to change things overnight, because I've been alone too long.. too long.. too long...

And you say you understand me when I hardly know myself. So much talk so many theories - it's really such a bore for me. The story stays the same - it goes on and on... What gives you the right to analyze? You paralyze me with your probing. In the end I just agree... Maybe we're just puppets after all. Love puppets. (not glove puppets! Hearts of gold, souls on string. My soul's on a string... Love Puppets!  My heart's a shiny gold.)

Why the tricks? Why the teasers? Can't I even please you for an hour? Won't you simply listen? I've got a lot to say about us and plans and things that we could do... (I need you NOW don't leave me...)

-Edward Ka-Spel, the Legendary Pink Dots...Curse...Love Puppets...

Edward, you scare me. I will never run out of new revelations in the terminal kaleidoscope you have created for us...I have listened to this song a hundred times and it never meant anything to me before.  Funny things. Pink Dots songs.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Current Music: lpd

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October 15th, 2008

04:38 pm - my mind in music

Have I no control, is my soul not mine?
Am I not just man, destiny defined?
Never to be ruled nor held to heel.
Not heaven or hell just the land between.

Am I not man, does my heart not bleed?
No Lord, no God, no hate, no pity, no pain, just ME.
Comprehend and countermand.
Synchronous guidance. I choose my way.
Never to be ruled nor held to heel.
Not heaven or hell just the land between.

And am I not man?

So why do I love when I still feel pain?
When does it end, when is my work done?
Why am I lone and why do I feel
that I carry a sword through a battle field?
So why do I love when I still feel pain?
When does it end, when is my work done?
Why do I fight and why do I feel
that I carry a sword, that I carry a sword?

Like the path to heaven or the road to hell
our choice is our own consequences bind.
We are the kings of wisdom, the fools as well.
We are the gods to many, we are humble men.

We who build great works just to break them down.
We who make our rules so we never fail.
So why do I love when I still feel pain?
When does it end, when is my work done?
Why am I lone and why do I feel
that I carry a sword through a battle field?
So why do I love when I still feel pain?
When does it end, when is my work done?
Why do I fight and why do I feel
that I carry a sword, that a carry a sword through a battlefield...

-VNV Nation

Scarlet Wish

To be as light as poppy seeds
free-falling on a gentle breeze.
Descend upon the devil's ground
and bring the lost souls to their knees.
As deserts bloom, despair retreats,
and faith returns in crimson wreathes,
plucked from the garden that is me

Faith returns in crimson wreathes,
locked from the garden that is me.
I shall land on where I'll please,
and where I go you'll know I've been.
Red ribbons around your feet and you'll
believe again, believe again...
There's so much left to live for.

Where I go you'll know i've been,
red ribbons around your feet and you'll
believe again, believe again,
there's so much left to live for.
Believe again, believe again,
there's so much left to live for
so much left to live for.

to be
to be
to be
to be....

- The Legendary Pink Dots


Ten years in the glasshouse.
And we're busy counting bruises, and watch the stones go cruising by.
They're just whizzing past our heads, and we're still standing here,
tied on a thread, stretched beyond our limits. Beyond my limit.

And I'd surely love to reach out and touch you, but it's suicide.
And now I'm watching your reflection, cos I can't look in your eyes.
And I'm burning. Just burning up on the inside.

It's so very very cold here. So very very cold here.
And I doubt if things will ever change.

- The Legendary Pink Dots


At the end of days, at the end of time.
When the Sun burns out will any of this matter.
Who will be there to remember who we were?
Who will be there to know that any of this had meaning for us?

And in retrospect I'll say we've done no wrong.
Who are we to judge what is right and what has purpose for us?
With designs upon ourselves to do no wrong,
running wild unaware of what might come of us.

The Sun was born, so it shall die,
so only shadows comfort me.
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me.
Each day shall end as it begins
and though you're far away from me
I know in darkness I will find you giving up inside like me

Without a thought I will see everything eternal,
forget that once we were just dust from heavens far.
As we were forged we shall return, perhaps some day.
I will remember us and wonder who we were.

- VNV Nation

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July 21st, 2008

08:38 pm - girl destroyed
destroy everything you touch today
destroy me this way
anything that may desert you
so it cannot hurt you

you only have to look behind you
at who's underlined you
destroy everything you touch today
destroy me this way

everything you touch -

you don't feel
do not know
what you steal

shakes your hand
takes your gun
walks you out
of the sun

what you touch you don't feel
do not know what you steal
destroy everything you touch today
please destroy me this way


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April 24th, 2008

04:26 pm - I Can See the Bars

I am living a lie.

I am pretending to be someone I am not.

This is an excerpt of writing by Thought Criminal that I have to make comment on:

"Does it occur to you that this is not life, this is not living, that this is nothing more then another disconnecting distraction that keeps you from living a real life, in a real community, with real people? In the eyes of wild humans, we are like farm animals, slaves, cogs, pathetic misrepresentations of what our true nature has to offer. We are like ducks with clipped wings. Unable to fly. Many people exalt themselves as greater than all other animals, yet what animal would purposely build a cage around themselves. No wild animal would ever wish to live in a cage, it's only after they've been there, in that cage, too long that they won't climb out, even if the cage door is open; for they have forgotten what freedom is like; for they have forgotten how to live; for they barely even see the bars of the cage anymore. Perhaps this is much like you, perhaps you are sitting at your computer right now, unknowingly in a cage, where you no longer know what it is like to be alive, like you did when you were a child, before you were tamed and domesticated and eventually civilized and taught that this was somehow the One True Way. You've since accepted, beyond what your teenage mind once rebelled against before you finally gave-in, that there is no other way to live. That, this way, this destructive way, this habitual way, this boring and uncreative way, this "civilized" and systematic way, is the only way to live. You've got the job, you've got your mate, you've got your stuff, your car, your wallet, and it's all good isn't it. What else is there? How else could one possibly live? Well you might want to really think about that, because deep down inside I know you are probably miserable and sad and empty. And nothing seems to satisfy. Perhaps it's because there are other ways to live, ways that are less destructive of both the environment, other animals, and yourself and the community of "friends" you share your "life" with. "

It is true, I have lost sight of the bars on my cage.  But when I read this, they sprung up in front of my eyes, and I began to weep - for my lost life, my lost freedom, my lost spirit...

I truly have almost forgotten what freedom was like, what life was like in my youth before I was forced into this yoke.  Now, my body aches and my hair is grey before its time, and every day I mourn the fact, but I turn away from myself and blink my eyes shut and go out that door again to repeat the same day's boredom over again.  I have spent every beautiful spring day inside this dusty stinky building from morning until night only to go home and sleep until it's time to do it again.  Some people do it because there is something to be gained - they have children they love more than anything that they send to good educations or ballet classes...some have pretty houses that they enjoy going home to in the evening.  I do not.  I hate my house.  I have no children to love.  I work to pay a mortgage I care nothing about and cel phones, computer connections I don't use, car payments for a car that gets me to the job I don't want to go to...

And what can I do about it?

I can pack my things tomorrow and leave it all behind.


Is it that simple?  No!!!  My house won't sell.  It would probably take at least 6 months on the market to sell the house, not to mention a couple months hard labor to prep it - the place it trashed.  And 8 months later...I'm on the road.  My job?  Fuck it!  The cats?  No idea.  And where to?  To do what?  It doesn't matter.  I have a good idea what types of things I could do.

Back to Thought Criminals writing...he has me pegged.  So at least I'm aware of the cage I'm in.  I just haven't crawled out...but then I got another stab in the heart.

You see, I was a very rebellious teenager.  I think lots of people think they were rebellious when they were teenagers, but this statement has me wondering if there is more to it than just 'acting out'.  I know I was partially just trying to piss people off, and give my parents a hard time, but I was also very anarchistic.  I was learning about society and it's boundaries and rebelling for me was going past those boundaries and thinking for myself.  I learned that authority figures did not always know what they were talking about and did not always deserve my respect.  I learned that not everything was as it seemed to be.  The cool people in school were really the losers, and were headed for boring lives, whereas I, as a weirdo, was destined for a very interesting and fabulous future of intrigue.  

So what happened?  I bombed.  I failed the system and the system failed me.  I did not go to college through the traditional four-year after high school route.  I did not know what I wanted to do yet.  I was too young, too adventurous, too confused... And so after repeated attempts at college first at the local community college and then the local university I was never able to complete a degree and therefore, I have no viability to the higher circles of the working world.  I have had successful jobs.  I worked at a publishing company.  It sounds nice in theory.  But the pay was so low, if I had lived on my own, I probably would have needed to file for social security and food stamps, or have worked an evening job.  My job now pays extremely well, and everyone I tell, "I work at Verizon" say, "Oh, that's great!"  I guess it's sounds pretty nice...I'm always embarrassed to tell people.  To me, I sound like nothing but a BIG CORPORATE SELLOUT.  I joke that I'm playing the system.  I'm practically robbing them blind for the piddling amount of work I do and the enormous salary they give me.  But I still have to sit here in this shitty cubicle all day, every day and that drives me bonkers.

My teenage self would have gagged.  My notorious line at age 17 was, "When I grow up, I'm going to be a bag lady."  I was big on the sarcasm.  But seriously, could there possibly be any bigger way to have betrayed myself?  I was dedicated to the fact that I would NEVER, EVER work in an office building.  EVER.  If it was the one serious goal I ever strove towards in my youth, that was it.  I was this hardcore mix between a political punk, eco hippie and gothy artist.  And ew, not at all like any of those things might be construed by today's youth...so shallow.  Look how stupid I am! ;)

Don't label me!  <with Margaret Cho face twist>
Anyway, the point is, the only things I had been interested in my whole life up to that point were art, being weird, and going up against the norms of society.  I wanted to be an artist and live a totally bohemian lifestyle - live in a rat-trap and have no money...Now, I'm so fucking practical, that all I can think is that even if I blew it all and started producing kick ass artwork  - no one would give a shit because I never went to school for it.

I can't get any job I want because I haven't followed society's rules.  I want to work for the World Wildlife Federation - they won't even hire someone to be their secretary without a fucking four year degree!  They're a non-profit that desperately needs people who are dedicated and passionate about what they do, and they would pass me up, even with experience, because I don't have a degree.  I'm just so fucked.  I can't help animals or the environment.  I wanted to go back to school and then I start hearing about the price of tuitions this fall, and how can I have any hope?  This society's becoming so elitist.  I don't have my mom and dad to go into debt and pay my tuition anymore.  I screwed up - they payed several years of tuition for me already and it amounted to very little and now they're at retirement age and can't afford school tuitions anymore.  I have to foot the bill myself - but how can I pay $20-$40,000 a year to go back for at least two years?  I don't even know if it will be worth it in the long run.  In two years, I may not be able to get a job at all!  We may all be throwing ourselves off the roofs of buildings.  (If the bees all die, there won't be any crops left and the whole economy is going to spiral down...the bees people! The bees!)

"You've since accepted, beyond what your teenage mind once rebelled against before you finally gave-in, that there is no other way to live"

Argghhh!!!  It was like an icepick in my brain!  I feel like Anthony Perkins!  No mother, no it's alright, we'll be alright!  Just make the bars invisible again....deep breaths....in....out....in....out....

Yes, back to boring, uncreative, habitual, civilized, systematic, destructive....

I've got the job, I've got my mate, I've got my stuff, my car, my wallet....
I've got my cute little things in my (cage)cubicle, I've got all the video games, all the restaurants close by, I've got Starbucks when I want it and Netflix when I want it...an ipod filled with thousands of albums I'm totally bored with...

And nothing seems to satisfy.  I am always bored.  I never want to do anything.  Ever.  I just want to sleep.  Because I am miserable and sad and empty.  And it's worse because I have to push out of my mind every day, especially on weekends, that there are other ways to live...I want to live in a community of people, with nature, and friends and animals...I want to grow plants and vegetables, take care of animals and children, and have close bonds with lots of other people.  And I want to be able to travel occasionally.  I want to learn more about how I fit into the cycle of things and where I belong, but I can't when I'M TRAPPED IN THIS BUILDING!!!!

I (don't!) hate to scoop all this stuff right off his page - I don't even know him, but it all impacted me very strongly, and when I get inspired, the best thing to do, is go with it!  So, here is the next thing he had on his page that resonated deeply with me.

"We must hurl ourselves against and through the literal and metaphorical concrete that contains and constrains us, that keeps us from talking about what is most important to us, that keeps us from living the way our bones know we can, that bars us from our home."

-Derrick Jensen  "A Language Older Than Words"

I think it speaks for itself.

Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: Noise Unit

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04:07 pm - Society's Markings
I am not a middle class homeowner.

I am not the sweet girl next door.

I am not the average consumer with a valid opinion.

I am not a Democrat.

I am not a Verizon employee.

I am not 30 something.

I am not a cat lover.

I do not have radical views.

I am not a lesbian.

I am not a greasy hippie.

I am not disorganized and messy.

I am not addicted to sugar.

I am not a telecom specialist.

I am not cute.

I am not artsy.

I do not suffer from depression.

I am not a quitter.

I am not a fat spoiled bitch.


Current Mood: deviousdevious

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February 27th, 2008

06:21 pm - arghhrhgh...!

I’ve spent too long working at jobs that don’t require any real potential on my part. What’s the point if I don’t contribute in some meaningful way? I may be good at what I do, but these abstract ‘behind the scenes’ jobs aren’t fulfilling to me, and though they have to be done…they feel pointless and unrewarding. I make a lot of money now, but I hate it – the best job I ever had was waiting tables. It was engaging and I felt a part of something. I went home with the cash in my pocket that I had worked hard to earn that day and I was happy to make my customers happy.

To the point, I want to put my creativity to good use. As the years go by, I’ve become more aware of my compassion and a pull to do something that will impact the world in a positive way, whether it be human or environmental (are the two seperate?)

If any of my other goals come into play, I’ll hopefully be able to make something of this. I need to start fresh and focus on what’s important in my life…the distractions have been all encompassing and they need to be eliminated. Then, I’ll find myself again.

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February 15th, 2008

11:00 pm - Attack of the Clouds

We stayed at a B&B in Port Angeles to have easy access to the park for a couple of days. We arrived in the afternoon and after getting settled in, decided to drive up into the park. It was a cloudy day in spring and as we drove up the mountain away from town it started to get…foggy. After a bit, it became so dense, we couldn’t see much in front of the car. My mom started panicking – she wanted us to stop, turn around, something! It was mountainous, and the road was nowhere to be seen (and let me tell you she’s had some hair-raising experiences on roads in the mountains of Mexico). So my dad’s chuckling as usual and I’m in the back, “Let’s go, let’s go!”.

All of a sudden BAM! The fog disappears like a curtain and there’s the road, the trees and mountains…everywhere. There’s not another car or person to be seen. And we just stopped with our mouths hanging open – it was like we were in this huge cloud and we came out the other side. We pulled the car over as far to the edge of the road as we could and got out to look around, because it was just breathtaking. Mind you, we hadn’t reached the top yet, when up the road a ways we realize that it’s foggy looking again…I don’t remember who it was who said “Oh s&*@t! That’s another cloud!” It was rushing right at us like a giant truck barrelling down the road. We all dove for the car like a bunch of idiots, but we didn’t turn around. We realized it was just too amazing what we were experiencing to not go further. So we kept going up the mountain through the cloud, and came out again at the top. It was clear and cold when we reached the peak. My mom and dad had overdone it for the day and sat looking at the view from the car – which wasn’t too shabby I must say, but Em and I jumped out and went running up over the field and down the ridge. There were still huge snow banks blocking the trails in places and the sun was sinking on the opposite side of the ridge. But it was so amazing up there – there were tiny alpine wildflowers blooming and lichens and everything seemed to want to lay close to the ground to get away from the cold wind.

We finally dragged ourselves back to the car when it became too unbearably cold. The setting of the sun must have taken the clouds with it because we got back down the mountain with no hindrance…

See more progress on: Hurricane Ridge

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January 18th, 2008

06:49 pm - Otaku Overload!

I can’t remember how many years back I’ve been going to Otakon at the Convention Center now…was it back to 2000? Might have been ‘01…something like that…anyhow…the first year, they only rented half the center and the other half had another function going on. The year after that, they had about 2/3 the center, the next year, 3/4 and after that the whole thing. Then they just started tweaking it for more space…It’s been neat seeing the convention grow every year. They started moving the concerts to the Baltimore Arena and the dealer’s room is so big you can’t see the other end.
The crowd has changed too. Everyone has gotten younger and younger. The majority of fans are not very knowlegable. Is this convention for Otaku anymore? Or for Cartoon Network watchers who don’t know anything else exists? Anyhow, I’m completely off track. Sorry. :)
The convention center is pretty cool. The design is fairly practical, the place is kept very clean and the climate control has been better in past years.

I don’t like that the vendors in the dealer’s room cannot sell food anymore. I also think the center is large enough, there could be a Starbucks stand at each end – you can never have enough SB’s? Right? I’m not going to go to a convention and stand in line for 20 minutes to get a cup of coffee. And stagger the chairs please! Isn’t this common sense?

Wow. I guess I’m avoiding getting back to work.

See more progress on: Baltimore Convention Center

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December 3rd, 2007

01:45 pm - Scapegoat
 Have you ever trusted someone so completely that you told them your innermost issues - only to find out they 'information gather' to use people's weaknesses to their own advantage - to manipulate, hurt, separate, distract, conquer and divide? I've had a couple people do some pretty nasty things to me before, but this is so amazing, I can't believe it actually happened...

I can't imagine what the inside of his head is like to do these things - I think some of it must be psychological self-defense, of some twisted sort.  

I guess in some twisted way, there's been at least one good outcome from all this - I regained my strength.  I feel that I can move on with my life now - I've pushed past my self-defeating phase and want to do something with myself.  That is invaluable.  I have regained some of my spirit and spunk.  I have to keep it - this shit Ric just pulled is threatening to send me whirling back into self-doubt.  I have to stay strong....

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